There was a brief period, one month in 1958, when she was able to pierce the darkness. As if by some strange formula, the greater her success and public adulation, the more abandoned, humiliated, and desperate she felt. Mother Teresa lived in a spiritual desert, panicked that God had rejected her, or worse, that he was there in the dark hiding from her. I am told God lives in me - and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. I call, I cling, I want, and there is no one to answer. The one - you have thrown away as unwanted - unloved. Lord, my God, who am I that you should forsake me? The child of your love - and now become as the most hated one. As she confided to her spiritual director in 1957: Now we know that in secret her life was a living hell.
So many people who spent time with her came away saying that she was the most joyful person they had ever met. In private, she had a quick, self-deprecating sense of humor, and sometimes doubled over from laughing so hard.
Especially when she was around children, she beamed with delight. She had a playful smile, mischievous, as if privy to some secret joke. The more she longed for some sign of his presence, the more empty and desolate she became.
She only once more heard the voice of God, and she believed the doors of heaven had been closed and bolted against her. Chapter 17 from The Love That Made Mother Teresa by David Scottįor more than fifty years following her initial visions and locutions, Mother Teresa was wrapped in a dark, pitiless silence.
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